me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
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Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
So true for me
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order