I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
#Caturday
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Aaaa…CHOO!
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.