I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.