My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
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Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
absolute chaos
My five year plan is a meteorite
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
uncle dave has been through hell
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Sounds like a bargain
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.