Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
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I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
The happy life.. 😊
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Kermit goes Blue.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Social distancing in Australia:
Single and childfree like Jesus