I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.