Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
You Might Also Like
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
peak technology
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
We found love in a hopeless place.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.