If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
You Might Also Like
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not