I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911