HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
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Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy