man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
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me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold