Customer is always right
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2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
This pepper has seen some shit
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.