A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
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What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.