Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
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I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
just pretend nothing happened
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.