I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
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my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.