snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
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My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.