HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
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BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.