Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
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Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
The happy life.. 😊
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?