In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
You Might Also Like
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate