Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
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Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’