Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
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*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
War & Peace
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.