My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
You Might Also Like
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Safety first
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.