OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
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It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
i prefer mine room temperature.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.