This dudes dogs 馃榿battle cry
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I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I鈥檓 sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever鈥檚 left gets to change my poopy diapers when I鈥檓 done looking after myself. Long story short, they鈥檙e now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they鈥檙e referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald鈥檚.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Note to self: always read the final line
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I won鈥檛 get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people鈥檚 tweets.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya ma帽ana, little iguana.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife鈥檚 head explode.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.