In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
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How wrong was this guy?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
The Backseat Boys
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
For anyone who needs this today