do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
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Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Ah..makes sense now
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict