My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.