Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.