You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
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Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.