One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
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[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Perfection.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.