ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
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single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Super Hand Dog Face
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.