Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
You Might Also Like
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Okay me first
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.