It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
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Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant