A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
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Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
How I like cutting carbs
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.