They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
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We decided to have money instead of children.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography