INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
If snakes were wide
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Not today.. 😂
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.