Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
You Might Also Like
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.