Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.