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Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
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Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Danger is very dangerous
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.