[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
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I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
A short story about romance.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭