Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
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chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.