-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
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[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats