I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
new shirt idea
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.