Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
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[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.