can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
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Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.