tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
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I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all