“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
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{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice