I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
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They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
me and who
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.