How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
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Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.