in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend